Reflecting on communication incongruities between neurodivergent and neurotypical people
- Joan van den Brink
- 5 days ago
- 4 min read
I have been learning about neurodivergence over the past 2+ years and wonder at my prior ignorance of the challenges that neurodivergent individual face. I am studying how to be an effective ally. Part of that is sharing my knowledge with others so that more people can generate neuroinclusive environments.
One aspect of this advocacy is highlighting the differences in communication needs of neurotypical and neurodivergent people, which can lead to misunderstandings and tensions in relationships. How do these arise? What can we do to better understand each other?
The variances in the communication needs result from the differences in our neurology and how we take in and process information. For example, most neurotypical persons use language that seems vague or obfuscating to neurodivergent individuals who are literal in their interpretation of words. A simple example of this, is saying ‘I’ll see you later’. ‘Later’ in this sentence could be interpreted as ‘later the same day’ or some time in the future. This ambiguity can be confusing and lead to divergent expectations amongst the people having this exchange. Another instance where what is said does not convey the full meaning of what is being expressed can occur when someone asks how they look in an outfit. Oftentimes they are hoping that the person they are asking will be complimentary. However, if that person is literal in their interpretation of the question, they may respond honestly and point out that the flaws that they see. This can happen if the individual is neurodivergent and not able to understand the subtext. The neurodivergent onlooker believes that they are doing what was asked of them. They may be baffled that the social norm in this situation is to tell a ‘white lie’ as they are wired to tell the truth at all times.
I like to talk to my colleagues about our lives outside work and believed that this was an excellent way to build strong relationships with them. What I did not realise was that some neurodivergent people do not enjoy this type of interaction, unless it is about a topic that they are passionate about. For some, this could be because they are unsure how to respond. Consider the neurotypical greeting of ‘how are you?’ This can be interpreted by many neurodivergent people as an invitation to divulge how they are feeling in great detail rather than simply responding ‘I’m fine thank you. How are you?’ Being repeatedly wrong footed can result in neurodivergent persons closing down and saying little.
When an autistic friend of mine heard me in dispute with a colleague about something, he would say, ‘There’s no point arguing about that, it’s a fact that can be checked.’ He didn’t see the point of the endless debate we were having. This remark used to stop me in my tracks. He was right, of course. However, his directness gave me the impression that I was stupid. Many neurodivergent value factual accuracies. They can get stuck mentally if someone is imprecise in their statements, which can block them from engaging further. This disengagement could be mistaken for disinterest by the other people in the conversation if the communication need for accuracy is missed.
Another common incongruity in communication needs arises due to an individual’s ability to retain a thought or idea until there is an appropriate gap in the conversation for them to express it. For many neurodivergent people, for example they are dyslexic or have ADHD, if they do not express the thought as soon as it arises, that thought is lost forever. Even if the individual makes a note, they often can’t make sense of what they have written when it comes to their turn to speak. The neurodivergent person faces the dilemma of either seeming rude or not contributing to the conversation. They often choose the latter as a result of being negatively judged many times in the past. On the other hand, I find it challenging if I am focused on a piece of work when I am interrupted by someone who needs to express what is on their mind at that time. I know that it’s important to them so I give them the space whilst they seem oblivious for my need to concentrate on my work. This incongruity in our needs results in me sending the non-verbal message that I’m frustrated and irritated with them, which negatively impacts our relationship.
Underneath these misunderstandings are our interpretation of the motives and intentions of others. What are some ways to deal with these incongruities and mismatches in communication? How can we recognise these differences in needs and embrace both truths rather than having an ‘either...or’ mindset?
I believe that at least part of the answer is firstly to acknowledge and embrace our differences. Often these are not immediately apparent, so it’s important to listen deeply and be curious about what and how the person is expressing themselves and the impact this is having on us.
Here are some steps that you can take to pause and reflect on the situation:
1. Notice and acknowledge moments of friction and extend compassion to yourself and the other person. Consider what led to the point of friction? What did you observe in the other person? What did you notice in yourself
2. Ask what was going on for the other person in a way that invites reflection rather than defensiveness.
3. Reflect on what you have learnt and consider where the incongruity arose. How might you approach this situation differently next time?
By being curious, open and engaging in dialogue, you can discover how to reduce these incongruities and employ more neuroinclusive behaviours that lead to richer, more inclusive conversations.
Reflecting on communication incongruities© 2026 by Dr Joan van den Brink is licensed under Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-NoDerivatives 4.0 International
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