Are you truly accepting of people as they are?

Image by Anna Shvets on Pexels

For the past two years, I have been studying what it is like to be neurodivergent in a world where difference is unwelcome in many places. This was prompted by an uncomfortable experience for me when I realised that despite my best intentions, my behaviours did not always lead to others feeling safe to be themselves in my presence. I thought I was being compassionate and caring towards a neurodivergent individual who had asked for accommodations on a coaching programme that I was facilitating. Later, I learned that subtle expectations that I had about what makes a good coach sent them the message that they couldn’t be an effective coach because they didn’t fit the mould.

To give an example, I encourage coaches in training to practise without making notes during the coaching session. For many neurodivergent individuals, they need to make notes to process what they are hearing. This does not mean they are a lesser coach, simply a different one. I believed that taking notes meant that the coach missed the full arrange of information available to them about their client in terms of body language, shifts in energy, ways of speaking etc.

Through this experience and many other interactions with neurodivergent people since, I have a better understanding of what might be going on at a deeper level and can be compassionate, patient and curious mindset. However, I still need to be vigilant in how I am showing up because there are still instances where I make assumptions about why someone is not doing what I want them to. How accepting are you of individuals being as they are rather than how you want them to be?

Since George Floyd’s murder in 2020 there has been a greater focus on diversity and inclusion in workplaces. And the prevalence of late-diagnosed neurodivergent individuals writing and talking about their differences and arduous experiences has raised the public consciousness of neurodiversity. Organisations are starting to address the various needs that neurodivergent employees have. That said, often the espoused values or diversity and inclusion are undermined by behaviours that seek to maintain the status quo. For example, what is your reaction to someone continually being late for meetings, missing deadlines, not responding to emails and so on? Do you assume that they are lacking in commitment? Rude? Distant? Don’t value you or your time? Or do you consider that there may be a genuine reason for this that is worth exploring?

Many neurodivergent individuals have a different relationship to time to the neuromajority. This could be that they have time agnosia and find it difficult to determine how long something will take or they need to perform certain rituals otherwise they become dysregulated. Many autistic people are monotropic and in this state of hyper focus everything else falls away so that they miss signals from their body that they are tired, hungry, need the bathroom, and external signals such as their phone ringing or buzzing with notifications. Being open and curious as to what might be happening for your colleague may uncover differences that you can work through to find solutions that work for you both.

Another example of difference is how much energy is consumed by neurodivergent individuals in what seem to be everyday activities. For example, I take for granted my ability to have an hour-long conversation with someone and then go on to do something else immediately afterwards. I have learnt that for many neurodivergent people, simply conversing with another, no matter how inspiring, interesting and engaging the interaction leaves them depleted so that they need to take time to recover before moving to another activity. This is in part due to the fact that they mask their differences to fit in with the acceptable social norms.

What beliefs and assumptions do you make about individuals who are quiet in team meetings or take some time to respond to a direct enquiry or point being made? We make up stories in our head about why this is happening when the truth may be far from what we imagined. In team meetings, some neurodivergent individuals find it hard to know when and how to join in. They have plenty to say but cannot keep up with the pace of the conversation. Alternatively, some neurodivergent people need to express their thoughts as they occur otherwise they lose their thread or get stuck at that point in the conversation. And because most of us use language imprecisely neurodivergent people need to go through the steps of analysing what was said, seeing if it makes sense, if not what might the meaning be, and so on. This takes time and energy and may result in a ‘slow’ response. Being cognisance of these differences allows us to be more patient with others.

At work, the day is usually packed with meetings in which the expectation is that each person will contribute. If someone were to say they could not attend because they needed to rest, I suspect many of us would judge them unfairly and assume they were lazy, not pulling their weight, not being a team player etc. As a result, many neurodivergent individuals attend meetings to comply with expectations throughout the day and go home exhausted needing significant downtime to recover. However, because this is often invisible in work settings, most people are unaware of the physical and emotional cost to their neurodivergent colleagues.

If we are to be truly inclusive, we need to create the environments in which individuals feel that they are accepted as they are and don’t have to fit into some arbitrary norms. What can you do to promote greater neuroinclusion?

• If you feel some friction with another person stop and ask yourself what else may going on that you have not considered.

• Reflect on your beliefs about how people should behave, and how work needs to get done. Challenge yourself to consider whether there is another way.

• Take time to build deeper relationships with your colleagues so that you have a better understanding of them and their needs.

• Review your meeting etiquette with your team. Ask them how they communicate best and what are barriers to them taking part?

I notice that when I know I am with neurodivergent individuals I can make adjustments to how I show up to be more embracing of difference. I still have work to do to learn about how neurological differences can manifest and how my beliefs, values and assumptions shape how I view others. How about you?

©2026 by Joan van den Brink is licensed under https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-nc-nd/4.0/